Lisa Scottoline is funny.

Scratch that.

Lisa Scottoline is a wit, a riot, a hoot.

If I could be any 21st-century short, blond divorcee writer for The Philadelphia Inquirer with several successful mysteries under my Spanx and a stable dog family to boot, I’d be Lisa Scottoline.

Don’t know her column “Chick Wit” in the Inquirer? Then today is your lucky day: her book WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG is a collection of some of her funniest columns. And what makes her funny, you ask? Well, let me use one of her own favorite devices --- the list --- to share examples of her humor. If you are a woman, or you know a woman, or you play a woman on TV, then you will relate:

1. “Thing One” and “Thing Two,” her previous husbands, prove the argument that “even normal people are on their second divorce.”
2. Pornography comes in all shapes and sizes. Lisa’s personal choice of decadence is real estate --- she reads “the real estate ads with the absorption of a pervert.”
3. Lisa asks, “Where is the religion that allows a woman to have as many husbands as she pleases?” She could get behind a religion that allows you to have “take out the garbage” husband, and ”sex” husband, and “culinary genius” husband, and…well, you get the picture. Who couldn’t get behind that religion, I ask?
4. Starbucks taught her the truth (need I say more?).
5. Sporty jackets have a shelf-life.
6. Lisa doesn’t want super powers. She prefers normal, everyday, wouldn’t-that-make-my-life-more convenient powers. For example, she wants the “power to eat anything…and not gain weight.” If she had that power, she’d “fly around in a cape and protect us all from Kirstie Alley.”
7. Lisa is addicted to --- wait for it --- HGTV! Me, too! We should start a 12-step program. Maybe tomorrow after “Design on a Dime” airs.
8. Lisa grew up “the Smart One.” Every “Smart One” knows that “Every Smart One wants to be the Pretty One.”

WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG will have you laughing out loud --- and then looking around to see if anyone noticed. And if they do, tell them to buy this book for every woman they know. They’ll laugh out loud, too.