WE SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS is a different kind of memoir --- less about significant events in a life and more about the accumulation of awareness for a friend and their mutual respect and love.

The narrative focuses on two college students who meet in the 1980s at the end of their junior years at Yale University: Chris Maxey, a lively, in-your-face jock who is boisterous and pushy, and Will Schwalbe, a self-consciously gay man who had determined that he had met all the people he needed. Both are invited to join a secret society. As diverse and individual as could be imagined, these 15 members form a strong cadre for their senior days at Yale.

Schwalbe is the only narrator, but in his note to the reader, he says that Maxey wanted to be his partner in the telling of their story. They remember and misremember events and conversations together. It is a collaboration of the best sort.

"This warm and funny memoir slowly, smolderingly settles in upon the reader. And even though the circumstances vary, it makes unexpected sense of one’s own friendships and life."

Decade by decade, Schwalbe takes us through their lives, highlighting the times they would meet at the “granite building on the edge of campus” where the story begins, various restaurants, homes and a few college reunions. Vast amounts of alcohol are consumed. Their friends and families join them occasionally. Right out of college, Maxey becomes a member of a SEAL team representing sacrifice and courage. Schwalbe works with AIDS victims in the years before it was established how the virus was transmitted, which is dangerous, important work. They also phone on an irregular basis --- sometimes telling the truth, sometimes withholding it.

Both men maintain some of their college personas. Maxey bear hugs and grins and becomes an instant presence, commanding the room’s notice and attention. Schwalbe begins most conversations with the same question: “What are you reading?” This curiosity and genuine interest in learning about books and ideas help give insight into how he has enriched and managed his life. In the chapter “The Fifties,” Maxey invites Schwalbe to speak to students at a school that he and his wife, Pam, founded in Eleuthera, an island in the Bahamas. He describes Schwalbe as a reader, writer and editor who has helped others find their footing in publishing. Schwalbe graciously accepts this generous introduction, instead of adding his usual self-deprecating comments. Readers see how they have steadily grown in their respect and admiration for one another.

In the book’s final paragraphs, Schwalbe talks about sitting together at the end of a week-long visit at Maxey’s home in the Bahamas. There is no rum or beer or wine (an important part of many of their years of conversations and get-togethers) --- just a can of soda water and a glass of iced tea. Schwalbe’s tummy comes over the edge of his belt, his hearing-aid batteries are telling him they’re running out of power, and his head is cold because he doesn’t have much hair. Maxey’s face is still lopsided from the surgery he had for a brain tumor, and he kicks his leg out every now and then to uncramp the muscles from his fake hips. They had finished deep breathing exercises that Maxey had taught Schwalbe years earlier to bring calmness and healing. And Schwalbe realizes that they are both content being in the company of an old friend.

WE SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS is not a bonfire of a book, even though it tells stories of courage, tragedy, geography, literature and compassion. This warm and funny memoir slowly, smolderingly settles in upon the reader. And even though the circumstances vary, it makes unexpected sense of one’s own friendships and life.