Rosie and Penn loved their four sons, without question. But always in the back of Rosie’s mind was the tiniest bit of disappointment, the tiniest wish that she could have a daughter and name her Poppy, after her own sister who died when she was a child. When Rosie finds herself pregnant again, though, the result is another boy --- a Claude, not a Poppy.

Or so they assume, until their precocious child starts to walk, talk, and ask to wear princess dresses and fairy wings. At first Rosie and Penn, who pride themselves on their progressivism and cherish their deliberately quirky family (Rosie is an ER doctor, Penn is an aspiring --- and struggling --- novelist), allow Claude to wear his fairy wings and pink bikini at home. But soon Claude is requesting to wear dresses to school and asks to be renamed, that’s right, Poppy.

"Laurie Frankel knows of what she writes in THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS IS. She herself is raising a transgender daughter, so she understands the complexities and nuances of these issues in a very personal and, obviously, sympathetic way."

The family’s home town of Madison, Wisconsin, is an open-minded university town. But kindergartners are hardly known for their tolerance, and after a series of troubling incidents, Rosie, in particular, begins to wonder if the family would do better in a totally different environment, one where they can make a fresh start. So, despite the protestations of their oldest son, the family moves halfway across the country to Seattle, where Rosie starts work at a family practice and their youngest child is known as Poppy from day one.

Keeping Poppy’s biological sex a secret isn’t something that Rosie and Penn deliberately decide; it just kind of happens. And when Poppy is soon surrounded by a tight group of girlfriends who love and accept her, the secret seems even less urgent to reveal. But as years go by and puberty lurks on the not-so-distant horizon, the question of how to approach Poppy’s gender with family, friends and even Poppy herself becomes increasingly urgent --- and increasingly unclear.

Laurie Frankel knows of what she writes in THIS IS HOW IT ALWAYS IS. She herself is raising a transgender daughter, so she understands the complexities and nuances of these issues in a very personal and, obviously, sympathetic way. At times, the story risks romanticizing the transgender narrative, as Penn regales his sons with a years-long bedtime story whose allegory stretches to encompass their personal dramas and struggles. However, she also illustrates some of the ethical quandaries at the heart of raising a transgender child: Do supportive parents encourage their child to suppress hormones before puberty, for example, and to pursue significant components of gender transition perhaps before a child is ready to make decisions independently? Or do they wait until a child is old enough to pursue that choice, even if physical changes of puberty are already well advanced?

Throughout, the family’s story valorizes difference and offers a heartening portrait of the loving, accepting ways in which parents can embrace difference and recognize their children as beloved individuals. Frankel’s author’s note ends with the sentence, “I know this book will be controversial, but honestly? I keep forgetting why.” Readers will likely agree with her after they’ve spent time with this loving, thoughtful family and witnessed their ability to struggle without ever losing sight of love.