Memoirist Jeannie Vanasco admits to being uneasy about sharing her story about rape in the #MeToo era. THINGS WE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHEN I WAS A GIRL was written both because of and despite of this important movement, bringing awareness to rape culture in the US and the prevalance of sexual assault. “It’s in the zeitgeist,” a friend says when she mentions the book she is working on. “I want to say: That’s not why I’m writing it. But of course that’s why I’m writing it,” Vanasco states. This doubt balanced with confrontation of motivation is a hallmark of this, her second incredibly honest memoir.

"[P]erhaps with more and more courageous voices like Vanasco’s, we can begin to find ways to prevent future incidents of sexual violence and abuse, and to provide support and non-judgmental healing for its survivors."

When Vanasco was in college, she was raped by one of her best friends, a man she calls Mark, who she had grown up with and had trusted physically and emotionally to that point. But because of their friendship and the nature of the assault, for a long time Vanasco avoided the term “rape.” Now, about 15 years later, in writing about this experience, and why it seemed different to her from other sexual harassments and another rape she suffered, she decided to include her former friend in her narrative, making the difficult and perhaps even controversial decision to let him share his perspective. After much contemplation and many conversations with her partner and friends, her editor and therapist, Vanasco contacts Mark and asks if he will speak to her about the rape and if she can include it in her book. He agrees.

The transcripts of Vanasco’s taped conversations with Mark might not be the most provocative aspects of the memoir. Her unique style --- questioning and probing, written in a deceptively simple voice, honest and thoughtful --- makes THINGS WE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHEN I WAS A GIRL read like a very intimate conversation. Vanasco shares her varied emotional and mental responses to her rape, her conflicted feelings about her rapist, her fears for her female students who have experienced similar trauma, her uncertain ideas about forgiveness, her questions about her friendship with Mark, and what it meant about both him and herself as people then and now.

Vanasco second-guesses herself at every turn: her memories, feelings and how she is presenting her story. She includes the voices of her closest friends who encourage her, even when they disagree with her or challenge her to find new perspectives. Readers are lucky to be privy to her thoughts and struggles as she seeks understanding, if not forgiveness, and peace, if not resolution, for this and many other acts of violence against her and the women in her life --- indeed, the women in all of our lives.

THINGS WE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT WHEN I WAS A GIRL is not a political book or a work of sociological or psychological research. However, perhaps with more and more courageous voices like Vanasco’s, we can begin to find ways to prevent future incidents of sexual violence and abuse, and to provide support and non-judgmental healing for its survivors. This is a hard book to read, both because of the violence it discusses and because of the frankness with which Vanasco addresses the topic and her own experiences. As a narrator, she is both frustrating and appealing; as a memoirist, she is sincere and sound.