Old age is not pretty in America. In many other countries, societies value the wizened elders of the community and take care of them. In the US, it’s every old folk for himself or herself.

In THEY MAY NOT MEAN TO, BUT THEY DO, Cathleen Schine brings us the story of 84-year-old Joy, who is trying desperately to care alone for her ailing husband Aaron, as their kids grapple with the extenuating circumstances of aging parents and being parents themselves. The Bergmans have a nice apartment in a good part of New York, but the extra costs of medical care and the emotional fallout from their parents realizing they can’t handle things the way they had hoped gives credence to discussions they never wanted to have together. Parenting, who needs who, and the way we look at aging in this country all meld together for a wistful family saga that we (of a certain age, of course) can relate to very well.

"Schine turns her observant gaze to this family and sticks pins in the voodoo doll to see who will come out with the most selfless and truly loving responses.... THEY MAY NOT MEAN TO, BUT THEY DO is a good beach read for thoughtful readers."

Three generations of a family come of age in this story. As the adolescents grapple with what religions they should belong to and the middle-aged parents accept that some of their hopes for the future were not all they had anticipated they would be, Joy and Aaron’s acceptance of their states, of their aging, is a pointed and poignant story about love. Enduring love is something that the US is not very good at, as 50% of marriages end in divorce in this country. But the expectations of their relationship, the way that Joy deals with caring for Aaron until that same caring gets her ill, are really both romantic and practical, and how they handle the difficulties will make you cry. The kindness and the effort required to maintain that kindness are great lessons on what real love is.

Their children --- Daniel, who lives in town, and Molly, who has left her husband for a woman and moved to California --- are basket cases when they have to play parents to their own parents. It is the weakest part of the story, I think, as they operate on a mix of guilt and love that seems not to come from a place of goodness but resonates with the burden of the caring they are expected to expend. In fact, the only thing that really seems to matter is the possible selling of the summer house that Joy was bequeathed by her mom --- “Upstate” is her version of a 401(k), even though she has had a late but successful career in museum management. When Joy’s life changes incredibly, they are like a bad Marx Brothers routine, falling all over each other to do what they think is best for her, although they always keep their own concerns at the forefront.

Joy’s sadness at her predicament becomes the focus of the book, and the relationships she has with her grandchildren give her an opportunity to toss out all the outdated concerns about her life that she’s carried with her so she can truly enjoy the end of her life with a gusto she had sublimated for the good of the family. It was a bit of a letdown that her own children were not able to be more understanding, but it just goes to show you that the family you are born into is like a litmus test of how well you will get through life. Can you handle all of those complications and concerns, and still love them and truly do the best for them?

Schine turns her observant gaze to this family and sticks pins in the voodoo doll to see who will come out with the most selfless and truly loving responses. She is able to use small chapters, specific moments in the transformation of the Bergmans, to find the universal truths about families and aging. THEY MAY NOT MEAN TO, BUT THEY DO is a good beach read for thoughtful readers.