Chapter One

November 1970
Westfield, New Hampshire

OLIVER DIED THE SUNDAY after Thanksgiving, the air heavy with snow that hadn’t fallen yet. His last words to Virginia were “Tacks, Ginny? Do we have any tacks?”

That morning at breakfast, their daughter, Rebecca, had complained about her eggs—runny and gross, she said. Also, the whole neighborhood already had their Christmas lights up, and why didn’t they ever have outside lights? Vir­ginia tuned her out; at thirteen, Rebecca had reached the age of comparison, noticing where her classmates’ families went on vacation, what kinds of cars they drove. But Oliver agreed about the lights, and after eating his own breakfast and Rebecca’s rejected eggs, he drove off to the hardware store to buy heavy-duty Christmas lights.

Back at home, Oliver called Virginia out onto the front porch, where he and Rebecca had looped strings of col­ored lights around the handrails on either side of the steps. Virginia waved at their neighbor Gerda across the street—on her own front porch, Gerda knelt next to a pile of balsam branches, arranging them into two planters—as Rebecca and Oliver described their lighting scheme. Re­becca’s cheeks had gone ruddy in the New Hampshire cold, as Oliver’s had; Rebecca had his red-gold hair too.

“Up one side and down the other,” Rebecca said. “Like they do at Molly’s house—”

“Tacks, Ginny? Do we have any tacks?” Oliver inter­rupted. In no time, he’d lost patience with this project, judging by the familiar set of his jaw, the frown lines cor­rugating his forehead.

A few minutes later, box of nails and hammer in hand, Virginia saw Oliver’s booted feet splayed out on the walk, those old work boots he’d bought on their honeymoon in Germany a lifetime ago. “Do you have to lie down like that to—” she began, while Rebecca squeezed out from between the porch and the overgrown rhododendron.

“Dad?” Rebecca’s voice pitched upward. “Daddy!”

Virginia slowly took in that Oliver was lying half on the lawn, half on the brick walk, one hand clutching the end of a light string. Had he fallen? It made no sense, him just lying there on the ground like that, and she hurtled down the porch steps. Oliver’s eyes had rolled back so only the whites showed. But he’d just asked for tacks, and she hadn’t had time to ask if nails would work instead. She crouched, put her mouth to his and tried to breathe for him. Something was happening, yes, maybe now he would turn out to be just resting, and in a minute he’d sit up and laugh with disbelief.

Next to her, Rebecca shook Oliver’s shoulder, pounded on it. “Dad! You fainted! Wake up—”

“Go call the operator,” Virginia said. “Tell them we need an ambulance, tell them it’s an emergency, a heart attack, Becca! Run!” Rebecca ran.

Virginia put her ear to Oliver’s chest, listening. A flurry of movement: Gerda was suddenly at her side, kneeling, and Eileen from next door, then Rebecca, gasping or maybe sobbing. Virginia felt herself being pulled out of the way as the ambulance backed into the driveway and the two para­medics bent close. They too breathed for Oliver, pressed on his chest while counting, then lifted him gently onto the backboard and up into the ambulance.

She didn’t notice that she was holding Rebecca’s hand on her one side and Eileen’s hand on the other, and that Gerda had slung a protective arm around Rebecca. She barely no­ticed when Eileen bundled her and Rebecca into the car without a coat or purse. She didn’t notice the snow that had started to fall, first snow of the season. Later, that absence of snow came back to her, when the image of Oliver lying on the bare ground, uncushioned even by snow, wouldn’t leave her.

Aneurysm. A ruptured aneurysm, a balloon that had burst, sending a wave of blood into Oliver’s brain. A subarachnoid hemorrhage. She said all those new words about a thousand times, along with more familiar words: bleed and blood and brain. Rips and tears. One in a million. Sitting at the kitchen table, Rebecca next to her and the coiled phone cord stretched taut around both of them, Virginia called one disbelieving person after another, repeated all those words to her mother, her sister Marnie, Oliver’s brother, Oliver’s department chair, the people in her address book, the people in his.

At President Weissman’s house five days later, Virginia kept hold of Rebecca. Rebecca had stayed close, sleeping in the middle of Virginia and Oliver’s bed as if she were little and sleepwalking again, her shruggy new adolescent self forgotten. They’d turned into a sudden team of two, each one circling, like moons, around the other.

Oliver’s department chair had talked Virginia into a re­ception at President Weissman’s house, a campus funeral. In the house’s central hall, Virginia’s mother clutched at her arm, murmuring about the lovely Christmas decora­tions, those balsam garlands and that enormous twinkling tree, and how they never got the fragrant balsam trees in Norfolk, did they, only the Fraser firs—

“Let’s go look at the Christmas tree, Grandmomma.” Rebecca took her grandmother’s hand as they moved away. What a grown-up thing to do, Virginia thought, glad for the release from Momma and her chatter.

“Wine?” Virginia’s sister Marnie said, folding her hand around a glass. Virginia nodded and took a sip. Marnie stayed next to her as one person and another came close to say something complimentary about Oliver, what a won­derful teacher he’d been and a great young historian, an influential member of the Clarendon community. And his clarinet, what would they do without Oliver’s tremendous clarinet playing? The church service had been lovely, hadn’t it? He sure would have loved that jazz trio.

She heard herself answering normally, as if this one small thing had gone wrong, except now she found herself in a tunnel, everyone else echoing and far away. Out of a clutch of Clarendon boys, identical in their khakis and blue blazers, their too-long hair curling behind their ears, one stepped forward. Sam, a student in her tiny fall seminar, the Italian Baroque.

“I—I just wanted to say…” Sam faltered. “But he was a great teacher, and even more in the band—” The student-faculty jazz band, he meant.

“Thank you, Sam,” she said. “I appreciate that.” She watched him retreat to his group. Someone had arranged for Sam and a couple of other Clarendon boys to play dur­ing the reception, and she hadn’t noticed until now.

“How ’bout we sit, hon.” Marnie steered her to a couch. “I’m going to check on Becca and Momma and June—” the oldest of Virginia’s two sisters “—and then I’ll be right back.”

“Right.” Virginia half listened to the conversation around her, people in little clumps with their sherries and whis­keys. Mainframe, new era, she heard. Then well, but Nixon, and a few problems with the vets on campus. She picked up President Weissman’s voice, reminiscing about the vets on campus after the war thirty years ago. “Changed the place for the better, I think,” President Weissman said. “A seri­ousness of purpose.” And she could hear Louise Walsh ar­guing with someone about the teach-in that should have happened last spring.

Maybe Oliver would appreciate being treated like a dig­nitary. Maybe he’d be pleased at the turnout, all the fac­ulty and students who’d shown up at the Congregational Church at lunchtime on a Friday. Probably he wished he could put Louise in her place about the teach-in. Virginia needed to find Rebecca, and she needed to make sure Momma hadn’t collapsed out of holiday party–funeral con­fusion. But now Louise Walsh loomed over her in a shape­less black suit, and she stood up again to shake Louise’s hand. “I just want to say how sorry I am,” Louise said. “I truly admired his teaching and—everything else. We’re all going to miss him.”

“Thank you, Louise.” Virginia considered returning the compliment, to say that Oliver had admired Louise too. Louise had tenure, the only woman in the history depart­ment, the only woman at Clarendon, to be tenured. Lou­ise had been a thorn in Oliver’s side, the person Oliver had complained about the most. Louise was one of the four women on faculty at Clarendon; the Gang of Four, Oliver and the others had called them.

Outside the long windows, a handful of college boys tossed a football on a fraternity lawn across the street, one skidding in the snow as he caught the ball. Someone had spray-painted wobbly blue peace signs on the frat’s white clapboard wall, probably after Kent State. But the Clar­endon boys were rarely political; they were athletic: in their baggy wool trousers, they ran, skied, hiked, went gliding off the college’s ski jump, human rockets on long skis. They built a tremendous bonfire on the Clarendon green in the fall, enormous snow sculptures in the winter. They stumbled home drunk, singing. Their limbs seemed loosely attached to their bodies. Oliver had once been one of those boys.

“Come on, pay attention,” Marnie said, and she pro­pelled Virginia toward President Weissman, who took Vir­ginia’s hands.

“I cannot begin to express all my sympathy and sad­ness.” President Weissman’s eyes were magnified behind his glasses. “Our firmament has lost a star.” He kissed her on the cheek, pulling a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, so she could wipe her eyes and nose again.

At the reception, Aunt June kept asking Rebecca if she was doing okay, and did she need anything, and Aunt Mar­nie kept telling Aunt June to quit bothering Rebecca. Mom looked nothing like her sisters: Aunt Marnie was bulky with short pale hair, Aunt June was petite, her hair almost black, and Mom was in between. Rebecca used to love her aunts’ Tidewater accents, and the way Mom’s old accent would return around her sisters, her vowels stretching out and her voice going up and down the way Aunt June’s and Aunt Marnie’s voices did. Rebecca and Dad liked to tease Mom about her accent, and Mom would say I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t sound anything like June. Or Marnie. But especially not June.

Nothing Rebecca thought made any sense. She couldn’t think about something that she and Dad liked, or didn’t like, or laughed about, because there was no more Dad. Aunt Marnie had helped her finish the Christmas lights, sort of, not the design she and Dad had shared, but just wrapped around the porch bannisters. It looked a little crazy, actually. Mom hadn’t noticed.

“Here’s some cider, honey,” Aunt June said. “How about some cheese and crackers? You need to eat.”

“I’m okay,” Rebecca said. “Thanks,” she remembered to add.

“Have you ever tried surfing?” Aunt June asked. “The boys—” Rebecca’s cousins “—love to surf. They’ll teach you.”

“Okay.” Rebecca wanted to say that it was December and there was snow on the ground, so there was no rea­son to talk about surfing. Instead she said that she’d body­ surfed with her cousins at Virginia Beach plenty of times, but she’d never gotten on a surfboard. As far as she could tell, only boys ever went surfing, and the waves at Virginia Beach were never like the waves on Hawaii Five-0. Mostly the boys just sat on their surfboards gazing out at the hazy-white horizon, and at the coal ships and aircraft carriers chugging toward Norfolk.

“You’ll get your chance this summer—I’ll bet you’ll be a natural,” Aunt June said.

Things would keep happening. Winter would happen. There would be more snow, and skiing at the Ski Bowl. The town pond would open for skating and hockey. The snow would melt and it would be spring and summer again. They’d go to Norfolk for a couple of weeks after school let out and Mom would complain about everything down there, and get into a fight with Aunt June, and they’d all go to the beach, and Dad would get the most sunburned, his ears and the tops of his feet burned pink and peely…

“Let’s just step outside into the fresh air for a minute, sweetheart,” Aunt June said, and Rebecca stood up and followed her aunt to the room with all the coats, one hand over her mouth to hold in the latest sob, even after she and Mom had agreed they were all cried out and others would be crying today, but the two of them were all done with crying. She knew that the fresh air wouldn’t help anything.

The jazz trio, the only ones who’d said yes to this strange gig, started their second set with a Coltrane-ish “My Favor­ite Things,” Sam playing the clarinet, Stephen on the baby grand and Larry Quinn on drums, half a beat too slow. At least they were out of the way of the funeral guests; Mrs. Weissman had directed them to set up in the big glassed-in porch, with its view of the town pond.

The other Clarendon guys who’d come to the recep­tion clustered nearby with their plates of food, pretending to listen to their poor imitation of Coltrane, their lame solos. Sam let himself listen too, as Stephen began a Bill Evans number, the slow “Waltz for Debbie,” on his own. The front door opened and a scrap of what sounded like “Purple Haze” flew in from across the street, the KA guys already deep into their weekend partying.

President Weissman poked his head into the porch, gave them a smile and two thumbs-up, then disappeared into the blur of dark suits and black dresses. President Weissman liked for Clarendon guys to come over to the president’s house, to attend the receptions for visiting lecturers, or to stand around in the big kitchen with its two fridges, eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate. As if their presence could reassure President and Mrs. Weissman that yes, Clar­endon was a wholesome school and they were wholesome guys, out snowshoeing on a Friday night, instead of getting wrecked or baked, the weekend having started on Wednes­day. But even guys like Sam would get wrecked later.

Go and tell the family that you’re sorry for their loss, Sam could hear his mom saying, the kind of thing she always said, and he’d done so during their set break. Just as bad as he’d imagined: he’d stuttered, barely getting any words out, and Professor Desmarais’s eyes had welled up. She was teach­ing his art history class this fall. In class, once she started the slideshow part of the lecture, she grew more animated in the dark. He thought he knew that feeling. If only jazz band concerts could be in complete darkness too. When Professor Desmarais turned the lights back on, she tended to address only the one exchange girl in the class.

Sam kept playing. There was something wrong with all these people, the other Clarendon guys, the crowd of fac­ulty in the big front parlor, the buzz of voices rising and falling as the faculty talked about whatever they usually talked about, campus gossip, probably. To the faculty, this was just another reception at President Weissman’s house.

Sam let himself remember jazz band rehearsals, shar­ing sheet music with Oliver whenever Sam played clarinet rather than guitar. He’d made Oliver laugh about Schuyler DePeyster’s trumpet playing. Oliver had thought Sam was funny, even talented. Oliver had been a friend. The weird­ness of being here now was too much. He had to get out of here, he needed a joint, a drink, something.

“Some gig, huh,” Stephen said. They were in between songs, and nobody was paying any attention. The other Clarendon guys had left, back to their frats and Friday af­ternoon beers.

“Let’s take a break,” Sam said. “Maybe pack it in.” They could help Larry take down his drum kit and slip out through the porch door. No one would notice, or care.

Virginia woke in the dark to a sour, fuzzy mouth. She reached across the bed, but the sheets were blank and cool: no Rebecca. This day hadn’t ended yet. After Virginia’s family and friends had come to the house for ham sand­wiches and bourbon, her mother had put her to bed, a cool hand to her forehead as if she were a feverish child, and she’d slept.

As ripples of talk drifted upstairs, Virginia lay there lis­tening. June’s voice rose above the others, strident and bossy, and the house smelled like Norfolk, salty, fatty ham and tomatoey Brunswick stew. She made herself get up. Oliver’s soft windbreaker lay draped over the armchair, where he’d thrown it a few days ago, and she slipped it on.

Downstairs, she heard the TV—in the den, Rebecca sat with Molly from next door watching The Courtship of Ed­die’s Father. The show’s cheerful background music soothed her, and she sank down next to Rebecca, willing her brain to say the things a mother said to her child on a night like tonight, but nothing came. She took in that Rebecca’s and Molly’s eyes were full, tearing up at Bill Bixby and his dar­ling little boy. Rebecca rested her head on Virginia’s shoul­der and Virginia put an arm around her. But after only a few minutes Rebecca scooted away. “Can you go brush your teeth, Mom? Your breath is really bad.”

“Okay.” Virginia pushed up to standing and headed to the kitchen. At the kitchen table, her mother and sisters turned to look at her, all of them smiling too much, and June stood to pull her into a hug. Momma was still in her funeral suit, an ancient black thing with a peplum, a party apron protecting it, and she leaned over a memo pad, pen in hand: when in doubt, make a list.

“Ah, my little baby Ginny,” Momma said.

June and Marnie bustled around Virginia’s small kitchen, pulling things out of the fridge and the oven. June was small and nimble, and an early white streak ran through her dark hair. Like June, Virginia had Daddy’s dark eyes, but her own hair was mousy, not black-Irish dark like June’s.

Marnie, bigger and blonder than June, set a plate in front of Virginia—ham, broccoli casserole, rolls, butter—and a cup of coffee. Virginia took a bite of the casserole, pushed the plate away.

“You’ve got tons of food here,” June said. “I’ve got some Brunswick stew going for the freezer. Between that and the ham and all these casseroles, you’ll have dinners for weeks.”

Virginia nodded.

June and Marnie started in on Norfolk gossip, filling her in while entertaining themselves. Oh, and had she heard about Jimmy Burwell? “You know he’s a lawyer, UVA law, that’s right. Well, get this, he left his wife for another law­yer, yes, a woman lawyer! Doesn’t that beat all!”

Her sisters’ gossip washed over her and made her feel sick to her stomach.

“We’ll go to the store in the morning and pick up some more supplies, whatever you need,” June said. “But why don’t you come on home for a while?”

“Jesus, June,” Marnie said. “Give her a minute, would you?”

“It just seems like you don’t fit in here, Ginny,” June said. “Your friends seem—” She paused. “I mean, who are your friends?”

“Oh, she fits in fine,” Marnie said. “You’re afraid of the North, June, that’s what.”

“I am not,” June said. “It’s just too cold here. And now it’s snowing. There are camellias blooming along the side of my house. Camellias! Blooming. No snow.”

“I like the snow.” Virginia’s voice came out thin and squeaky. She wanted to say something about the snow soft­ening up winter, which made her think of the hard ground, which made her think of Oliver, who’d loved the New Hampshire cold and the snow far more than she did. Tears gathered and stung.

“I will say that it’s kind of hard to get here,” Marnie said. “That tiny airplane, my God.”

“You used to love to watch the cardinals and the orioles,” June said. “Remember how we watched them together in the backyard when we were little?”

She nodded. They had birds in New Hampshire too, maybe even better birds. Purple finches, bluebirds, yellow-black-and-white bobolinks swooping over the hayfields north of town.

But she was too tired to say anything. Maybe her mother and sisters could carry her home to Norfolk, and she’d stay wrapped up in gossip and mild weather. Rebecca could go to the academy, where her sisters’ kids went; the academy had started admitting girls ten years ago, and her sisters said it was a wonderful school, rigorous and traditional. And Rebecca could go to the beach in the summer and dance to swing-band music at night, as Virginia used to do. Lose a husband, change a life, was that it? Oliver had been fasci­nated, in a kind of anthropological way, by Virginia’s fam­ily, and how they did things down there, and how Norfolk couldn’t decide if it was a small town or a city. She tried for a second to imagine finding someone down there, maybe one of those lawyers that her sisters had just gossiped about, although Jimmy Burwell—there was nothing to recom­mend him. One of her brother Rolly’s old friends? God, no. She started to cry again; she was thinking about the wrong things.

“Oh, honey.” Marnie scooted her chair close, pulling Virginia’s head onto her lap.

Virginia let her head rest on Marnie’s wide leg, trying to sort her jumble of thoughts into some kind of order. Oli­ver. Rebecca. Her mother. Her sisters. Her brother. Oliver. Where did she belong? She swallowed a sob, took a breath, wiped her eyes with the handkerchief that President Weiss­

man had handed to her. Weeks ago, it seemed, but the re­ception had only been this afternoon.

“I—” She was about to say yes, all right, maybe she and Rebecca would come home to Norfolk—but something stopped her.

“It’s okay,” Marnie said. “It’ll be okay.”

Virginia heard the plaintive strains of a Simon & Gar­funkel song coming from the den; Rebecca and Molly were listening to music on Oliver’s hi-fi. Now Simon or maybe Garfunkel sang about how he was gone, how he didn’t know where. Virginia wanted to hear more of those shimmery harmonies, but the song had finished.