Madonna has only one name. So do I. If I were a New Age kid, I'd say it's "destiny" that I should write about her new book.

Here are some better reasons. Madonna's book is about a group of four really snooty girls known as "The English Roses" and a girl --- an only child named Binah --- who's not in their little clique. I'm a girl. I'm an only child. I'm only 18 months old, but still: this sounds like a book I could really like.

And yet I have trouble understanding Binah. Or the other girls. You've surely read a lot more books than I have, so let me tell you the story of Madonna's book, and then let me list my questions, and maybe you can tell me what I'm missing.

Here's the story: Binah is very beautiful. She has "long silky hair and skin like milk and honey." Binah is "an excellent student and good at sports." Binah is "kind to people." But the English Roses won't have anything to do with her. They think she's just too perfect. Then a fairy godmother sprinkles magic dust on the English Roses and they zoom into Binah's house. It turns out that she is doing all the cooking and cleaning --- her mother died long ago, and now Binah has to take care of her dad. When the English Roses see how very not perfect Binah's life is, they change their ways and become Binah's best friend.

Here's what I don't get:

Why were the English Roses jealous of Binah in the first place? She might be smart and pretty and athletic, but THEY were smart and pretty and POPULAR. Shouldn't Binah have been jealous of them?

Why is Binah such a loner? As Madonna describes her, she has really great qualities --- I'd be her friend in a minute. I realize she has so much to do at home she doesn't have a lot of time for play dates, but in the book she has no friends at all. Could it be that the English Roses have turned everyone at school against Binah and Madonna accidentally left that out of the book?

At the end, when the Four Roses spend all their free time with Binah and even help her with her chores, is it because they really have had a change of heart? Is the real reason the English Roses are nice to Binah because she's like some kind of charity case to them? I mean, at the end everybody talks about the English Roses as if they are all that and a carton of juice. But maybe they're exploiting Binah and nobody realizes that's what they're up to.

There's something else. Throughout the book, Madonna talks to the reader and says things like "You are probably wondering" when I wasn't wondering anything. Then she assumes our reactions. And then she gets snippy and says "Stop interrupting me." Why would Madonna be mean to her readers when she's got four more books coming out?

My Daddy has a simple answer for all these questions. "Madonna loved her Mommy very much," he told me. "And her Mommy died when Madonna was only 5 years old. Madonna doesn't mean to say this, but her book shows that you can get very rich and famous --- and none of it really matters. She has what's called a 'primal wound.' That's like an 'owie' so bad it never heals, it just hurts all the time."

My Daddy left me to figure it out from there. But I'm confused.

Madonna studies the Kabbalah. And Binah is a name from the Kabbalah that means "understanding." But if people who study the Kabbalah are --- what was Daddy's phrase? --- "spiritually evolved," why does Madonna see herself as a girl who's totally misunderstood? Is she trying to tell us that it's okay to be pretty and smart as long as some other parts of your life are really really awful? And when she's playing the part of the author, why does she say mean things to her readers? I hate to criticize, but Madonna sounds as ratty and immature as some of the kids at my playground!

Here's what I thought when Mommy finished reading Madonna's book to me: If you know a group of girls who travel in a pack and don't seem to want to talk to you, count your blessings.

I hope in one of her next books Madonna writes about some people who are happy and do things for reasons a kid could understand. And that she doesn't shout at her readers.

Oh, one other question. It was past my bedtime, so I didn't see it, but a few weeks ago I heard Madonna kissed Britney Spears on TV. When I kiss my stuffed bear, I get a mouthful of cotton fur. What do you get when you kiss Britney? Mommy says, "Cooties," but I'm sure she's kidding.

Bedtime! Gotta go. Mommy's going to read BARK, GEORGE, by Jules Feiffer. Now THAT'S a book!